Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Circlelism & Flashbacks

So much of my life, I've felt like the shadow person to the left. It's amazing how the human brain can retain the memories of all the harmful and hurtful words and actions done to us. It's like a tape-recorder in your head that just plays all of your faults over and over again; especially if we're in a relationship with ANYONE! I'm not speaking of just 'lover' relationships, but the relationships with any other human. These recorded messages sometimes scream so loudly, we react to the memories, it's not actually the person's fault. They may have used the wrong phrase and it triggered the memory. Of course, the other person has no idea why we're reacting to them! My therapist called these moments, "Blue Vase" moments. She explained it this way: "If when you're a child and you continue to be abused, your eyes will fixate on objects that are always part of that scene, like a blue vase." If your childhood is filled with bad experiences, many things can trigger an emotional flashback; it could be anything, even just the tone of  a voice or the words used. It could even be the color of clothing

One of the things I have seen through out my life is that humans have a tendency to repeat behavior patterns over and over again. This piece to the right, was an expression of that idea, I call this style: "Circlelism". The good part is when we finally learn the lesson we don't have to keep repeating!


Here's some more of my story:


2-15-74 Friday
You'll never guess what I got to do today - well, me and Kathy and Lisa got to do it together. Karen was at the hospital getting a treatment so Mrs. D. was watching us and Mrs. D. let us cut her hair!  I thought at first she was just kidding, but she was serious, as long as we did exactly what she said.  Mrs. D. said that she has the kind of curly hair that looks good pretty much any way you cut it, and you know she's right.  We didn't do a bad job at all!  I don't think I could ever let my sisters cut my hair.  I know they wouldn't let me cut theirs, but that's okay.  It's funny 'cause we all have the same kinda hair and from the back when we were younger, you could hardly tell us apart.  We all have the same color, same straight hair except now both Kathy and Lisa have longer hair than I do.  I don't like long hair, it gets in my way and I don't like to fuss with it like Kathy and Lisa do.  I'm just not into hair decorations of any kind; I think it's just too silly.  That's just one of the differences between me and my sisters.  My parents say I'm a tom-boy and I'm proud of it, even if Lisa feels sorry for me because of it; I don't care.  When you're a female athlete you can't be worried about silly things like hair barrettes or ribbons; short hair just makes so much more sense.  Besides, it looks better when you wear a baseball hat as much as I do.
Mrs. D. joined our church choir now and sings on Sundays with the adults.  She's an alto and sits in front of daddy, who is a tenor.  Mommy is a soprano so she sits across from both of them.  Mrs. D. told me that her husband is Catholic so she can't bring the kids to church with her and he won't go either.  I thought it was kinda sad that they didn't all get to go to church together.  We hardly ever see Mr. D at all, he's always working, but we get to see Mrs. D. all the time now.  I'm not so afraid of her anymore, but I am still afraid of Mr. D.  He hasn't really done anything, but I'm scared of him anyway.  I never know which men to trust 'cause so many men like to hurt little girls.  It's just safer to trust none of them.  Especially if they are men who won't go to church!  Well, that's all the news for now, bye.

 4-2-74 Tuesday
Karen turned 9 years old today and she got a lot of really nice gifts.  The gift she got that I liked the most was a set of books written just for Karen; I mean she was actually in the story and so was I!  All of us were in it except that Kathy and Lisa were just called the Twins.  Mommy and Uncle Fred sent away for them.  The first story was called:  Me and the Sad Clay Dragon.  The book told how one boring day when we had nothing to do, Karen made a dragon out of clay and it came to life!  All of us kids saw it happen.  Karen spoke to him and asked why he looked so unhappy.  We all tried everything to make him happy, but nothing worked.  Finally Karen figured out that the dragon was actually a she dragon who wanted babies so Karen used clay to make dragon eggs.  It was a neat story and it even had our address and telephone number in it!  She's supposed to get a bunch more in the mail over the next couple of months and me and Karen will read them together.
The present she got that she liked the most was that her doctor said she could come back to school after spring break.  I was happy for her, but worried, too.  I'm in the sixth grade and she'll be in the third grade.  We won't even get to have lunch together!  I thought that was unfair - whose gonna watch over her?  That was my job!
I told mommy I was worried and she said she'll talk to Mr. Dunn, the new principal at school to see if we can share lunchtime.  I really hope he says yes.  I liked our old principal, Mrs. Schneider but she retired; she was much nicer.  Break is over on April 15th, so I'll be praying real hard for him to say yes.  Bye.

 4-15-74 Monday
Karen started back at school today and Mr. Dunn said we could share lunchtimes!  Mommy said Mr. Dunn understood and recognized that it's my job to watch over Karen, so she'll have lunch with me at my lunchtime.  Mrs. Nelson was very happy to see Karen and gave her a big hug when she saw her.  I was just grinning ear to ear 'cause we had walked the whole way holding hands.  I'm so glad Karen's feeling better.  Yesterday was Easter Sunday and we planted another garden so maybe it's working.  I sure do hope so.  Well, I gotta go now.  I'm gonna help Karen with her homework 'cause I already finished mine.  She doesn't really need my help since Miss Gail was such a fine tutor; I just want to sit with her.  Bye

 4-30-74 Tuesday
What a horrible day this has been!  I really hate Mr. Dunn 'cause he's such a liar.  He said he understood that it was my job to protect Karen but when I tried to protect her today from a mean ole bully in school, I got suspended.  Can you believe that!?!  John Simmons was on the playground at lunchtime and you know what he did?  He ran up and ripped Karen's wig off her head and threw it in a muddy puddle and then he just laughed and laughed.  It made me so mad that he would do that to my baby sister right in front of me and everybody else that I just had to do something.  I ran at him and tackled him hard and we were rolling on the ground fighting.  Teachers came running and separated us as fast as they could and took both of us to the principal's office.  I didn't even have a chance to see if Karen was okay or not.  The worst part of all is that since the Simmons family is so bad, most people are afraid of them, including Mr. Dunn.  John's older brother threw acid in a kid's face in high school this year and several of his other brothers were already in jail.  Mr. Dunn made me wait outside his office for my mother to show up, who they had already called.  John told Mr. Dunn that it was only an accident. He said that he was just walking next to Karen and his elbow hit her wig and it just fell off.  Can you believe that?  Mr. Dunn did and that was why I was getting suspended.  He also said that Karen and I can't have lunch anymore since I can't control my temper.  I was so mad I couldn't stop crying.  I was just doing my job taking care of Karen, why couldn't he understand that?  When mom showed up and heard what happened she got real mad, but not at me.  She was mad at Mr. Dunn and I was so glad she understood.  Even though I got suspended for a day, she made sure that John got suspended too.  Mommy said I was a hero and did my job just the way I was supposed to.  She gave me a pat on the back and told me she was very proud of me.  That made me feel a whole lot better.  She wasn't mad at me at all, even though I ripped my new school coat in the fight.  I saw Karen as soon as she got home and she gave me a big hug, too.  She said I was her hero!  We're both sad that we can't have lunch together anymore, but Karen said she'll be okay, and I have to believe her.  I made her promise to tell me if anyone bothers her and I believe she will.  Karen told me she thinks John knows to leave her alone now, 'cause I did get in some good shots before we were separated.  I sure hope so.  I'm gonna pray for God to protect Karen at school since I can't anymore.  Bye for now.

 5-10-74 Friday
I just finished a really neat book by a woman named Madeleine L'Engle called A Wrinkle In Time.  It was a marvelous adventure with characters that remind me of Karen and I.  The two main characters are Margaret (Meg) and Charles Wallace and they are brother and sister.  Meg is as protective of Charles Wallace as I am of Karen, so I understand her very well.  They also understand each other without talking at all, which is what Karen and I do. The story is about how their father, who is a scientist, has gone missing and how he gets saved by his children.  It starts with the introduction of Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who and Mrs. Which who are like Guardian Angels that help them.  It's a fantastic journey to a darkened planet where their father is held captive.  In the end, Meg, Charles Wallace and a friend, Calvin, do save the father and bring him home.  What really saved everyone was Meg's love for her brother, Charles Wallace, so maybe my love can save Karen.  I really do love her so very much.    I'm gonna find more books by Madeleine L'Engle 'cause she's a really good writer and she's written more books with the same characters. Right now, I'm going read this book again so maybe I can learn more about saving Karen from the darkness of this world.  Bye.

 5-24-74 Friday
I guess I didn't learn as much as I needed from Madeleine L'Engle's books, 'cause Karen went back into the hospital again today with another bloody nose that wouldn't stop bleeding.  I even read the book where Charles Wallace was sick and Meg saved him by going inside his body into his very cells.  It was called A Wind in the Door.  Meg was a Namer, some one who recognizes who a person truly is.  Maybe that's the problem; I'm not a Namer.  I don't have a Dragon to help me either, like Meg did; I only have myself.  Mommy said Karen's gonna be in the hospital for awhile, so Miss Gail will be her tutor again in the hospital.  I'll still get to visit her in the waiting room, whenever she feels up to it.  I'm gonna work on the garden by myself and hopefully it'll help some.  I'm running out of ideas.  I'm just gonna have to pray a lot harder so God doesn't take Karen away.  I'm too sad to write anymore.  Bye.

 6-17-74 Monday
At long last Karen has finally came home. She's been gone so long I was afraid she would never come home.  She's so skinny and she hurts so much, she can't even move her legs.  She's gonna need a wheelchair 'cause she can't walk anymore.  Dad's gonna try the Elk's Club where he and Uncle Dick are members. Karen will stay at grandmas for now because she really needs the care grandma can give her.  School is out now, but Miss Gail is a good friend to us and keeps in touch with both grandma and Karen.  I sit with Karen every chance I get and I try real hard to cheer her up, but she's always in so much pain that even smiling hurts her.  I cry a lot for her, but never when she can see me.  I don't want her to get upset or to be worried about me.  I ask God all the time to make her better, but so far God has said no.  I'm gonna keep asking 'cause maybe God will change His mind if I bother Him enough.  I'm reading my books to Karen and she likes Madeleine L'Engle's stories too.  Well, I know I should write more, but my heart hurts for Karen and I'm too sad to write anything more.  Bye.


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