Breaking the Chains of Karma

As you read today's entry you will learn where my hatred of dogs began; male dogs most of all. It was many years before I even considered having a dog as a pet. I was blessed with a most beautiful Chow, Tia. She was mostly black with some white on her chest. To me, she was like a black lion - I have always loved lions! When I lost her some years ago, I never considered getting small, male dog, but that's what I did. I got him at the Santa Maria Humane Society; he had been abandoned by the family that had him. When they moved away, this little dog was left behind. The workers at the Humane Society claimed that in twenty years they hadn't seen a dog that looked so bad. His name was Pongo. He was part Poodle and maybe Jack Russel; he had a beautiful shaped head that looked like a deer's head. They had to shave him down to the skin. Pongo was about 7 pounds and he had immediately attached himself to me in the meeting room. I realized he was meant for me and I took him home. The past no longer control my present! Read on and you'll understand.

2-17-73 Saturday

It Snowed!  There's not a whole lot, but enough that daddy got the sled out for us.  We only had one sled, so we all took turns.  Dad got out his movie camera and filmed everyone.  Walter was a maniac and almost ran into a car parked on the side of the road.  I was being a daredevil and stood up on the sled like it was a surf board and I made it down the hill just fine, I didn't even fall.  Then Karen wanted to ride on the sled with me, so I got on the bottom and she lay on my back.  She was so cute, cause she wanted to help me push the sled, but her fingers couldn't reach the ground.   Mommy and Daddy road together on the sled, too!  It was a beautiful day.  It wasn't too cold and we didn't see Pop at all.  Oh, gotta go, mom's got hot chocolate, mmh. Bye.

  

3/12/73 Monday

I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time.  I've been so busy in school and church.  The whole family is going to sing in church for the Never on Sunday show.  Its songs and skits that you would never do on a Sunday, so dad volunteered the whole family.  We have a piano in the living room, plus dad plays the guitar, accordion, violin and almost any instrument he picks up.  Mom and dad are always singing together and have even performed in church, just the two of them.  They sang, They'll know we are Christians by Our Love.  Music is very important to dad.  We have to practice and practice.  Lisa sings the solo parts usually.  She just belts out the words, sometimes it sounds good, other times it sounds like she's just yelling.  She thinks she's got the best voice in the family, and I guess she's right, but I'd still rather have Karen be the star.  She's the cutest and nicest, and people just love her.  I don't like being out in front of people and my dad says I don't have much musical ability.  I like music, I really do.  I can't help it that my hands are so small and I don't always hear the right note.  If I keep practicing, I can get better, I think.  Well, I don't know when I'll write again; maybe when school's out in June.  I love the summer time, but it's also Pop's time.  You never know what might happen so I'll probably need to write just so I don't go bonkers!  Bye for now.

4/1/73 Sunday

This was the worst day ever, really, truly the absolute worst.  Pop is a very bad man and I hate him.  I'm the Fool of April Fools day, but I just had to do it.  We were over grandma's house after church, like usual, except tomorrow is Karen's birthday.  She'll be 8 years old.  We had a wonderful birthday cake and she got some really nice presents.  It was after all this that Pop announced he needed a special little helper for a special job downstairs and he thought the birthday girl might want the job.  Before Karen could answer, I blurted out "No. I wanna help, please.  Let Karen play with her toys."  I knew what I was doing and I didn't want to volunteer, but I had to.  It's gonna be Karen's birthday tomorrow and this was the best gift I could give her.    Karen looked at me with tears in her eyes, and asked me if I was sure I wanted the job.  I had to say yes, she was my bestest sister and friend.  I'm sorry that it was me, but I'm real glad it wasn't Karen.  I couldn't let Pop hurt her just because it was gonna be her birthday.  We hugged for a minute and then I got up real quick and went out through the kitchen door to the hallway of the basement door.  I can't write what Pop did, it's too much to even think about; I'm gonna do my best to forget all about it.  All I will write is that he doesn't kill dogs, he does other things.  I really, really truly hate Pop and now I hate dogs too.  I was so glad to take a bath tonight, I felt so dirty and nasty.  Karen asked what happened, but I refused to tell her, so she knew it was bad.  We cried together in the tub 'cause no body could see us.    I was hoping God could see us and will save us real soon.  I don't want anything like what happened to me happen to Karen, not ever.    

  

4-22-73 Easter Sunday

I just love Easter service!  The whole church is filled with beautiful Easter Lilies and it just smells lovely.  My most favorite part is when the choir sings the Halleluiah Chorus.  I always cry but it's not bad crying, it's crying because it's so magnificent.  Jesus raises from the dead and gives us the power of the Holy Spirit to change our lives - that's what I need so bad, to change my life and Karen's life.  Easter's the very best time for Karen and I to plant our garden.  I'm gonna pray really, really hard this spring for our garden to work miracles!  I'm gonna tell Karen to pray real hard too!

6/14/73 Thursday

School is out for the summer tomorrow.  I'm a little more sad than happy.  I'm gonna really miss Mrs. Haviland and her guitar playing.  Mrs. Haviland always made me feel safe and she never made me feel stupid.  I'm a little scared about next year, I really don't want Mrs. Manhiemer as a teacher, I have enough people that are mean to me already.  I'm trying to think only about playing softball and mom said maybe I could take tennis lessons this summer.  That would be neat.  Anything that gets me away from Pop and Pedro!

Karen and I are still hoping our garden will work this summer.  We've both been praying real hard.  A couple days ago Karen was praying so hard that her nose started to bleed.  I got real scared and yelled for mom.  Mommy got a towel, put her head back and put the towel on her nose.  It took a few minutes, but it finally stopped bleeding.  After mom left, I told Karen to stop praying so hard.  I told her that I didn't want anything to happen to her and she promised.  I hope that never happens again, all that blood was scary.

  

6/21/73

Miracle of Miracles!  Our garden finally worked.  Kathy and Lisa were at grandma's watching TV. while mom, Karen and grandma went shopping, I stayed in our yard across the street, just sitting and thinking when Kathy came running out of grandma's yelling for help.  I got up and ran toward her and finally could hear what she was saying, "Pop fell, Pop fell, he can't get up.  Where's mommy?"  When I heard the news my heart leapt into my throat and I felt overjoyed that Pop fell.  When I saw mom's car coming up the street, I started running down the street to meet her; I couldn't stop smiling.  When they got close enough I yelled, "Pop fell, he can't get up”.  Mom hit the gas and sped up the hill, but Karen and I locked eyes for a moment through the car window and her smile mirrored mine.  We had been saved!  Walter had been inside grandma's house and called the police.  I could hear the sirens getting closer and I decided to watch the action from my favorite spot, the tree in our front yard.  Our house, along with three others, were at the highest point in Long Branch and my tree was far enough forward to see the entire length of Hampton Avenue.  From here I also had a great view of grandma's house.  I stayed up in the tree until Karen came over looking for me; she had found out what happened.  Pop was yelling at Kathy and walked toward her with his cane lifted to hit her when he tripped on the rug and down he went.  Karen overheard grandma say it was probably a broken hip, so he'll be in the hospital for awhile.  Karen and I hugged and danced and danced and hugged.  It was going to be a great summer!  It'll be the best summer ever!

  

6/23/73 Saturday

Today we all went back to school 'cause this summer every Saturday afternoon is movie day at Broadway School.  We almost never get to go to the movies, it costs too much with five kids, so this was exciting.  The movies were Disney movies and they started the movie off with cartoons.  Today's movie was The 3 lives of Thomasina, a red stripped cat that looked a little like our cat, Red.  It was a sad story about this cat that ended up dying in the end but got to go to cat heaven.  That was the best part, watching that cat climb up the heavenly staircase where she could be truly happy.  Karen got another bloody nose at the end of the movie and we had to get napkins to stop it.  I don't like this happening to her, I'm getting worried.  We left the school and went home to tell mom and grandma.  Grandma's a nurse; she always knows what to do.  Grandma took Karen in her house where mommy was and then told the rest of us to go play.  You can never tell what grandma is thinking, so I don't know if she was worried or not.  Maybe it's nothing, I hope.

6-25-73 Monday

Karen went to the doctor's today with both mom and grandma.  We were allowed to play outside while they were gone, but if we needed anything, we were supposed to go and ask Mrs. Digory, our next door neighbor with the twin babies.  Mom said they shouldn't be too long at all.  We were all playing a game with the rest of the neighborhood kids.  Everybody had a number and one kid stood in the middle and threw a soccer ball in the air, calling out a number.  If the number that was called didn't belong to you, you had to run as fast as you could, away from the ball.  If it was your number, you had to catch the ball and yell freeze.  When someone yelled freeze you had to stop wherever you were and the catcher of the ball was allowed 3 giant steps towards any body they thought they could reach and hit with the ball.  If you got hit, your number would be called the next round.  If they missed, the thrower's number would be called again.  I hadn't been hit yet.  We were just getting ready for another round when I saw mom's car park in front of grandma's house.  I quit the game and ran over to check on Karen.  She got back from the doctors and was real tired.  Grandma was keeping Karen at her house on the couch for awhile.  She was watching over her very carefully, shooing me away, telling me to let her rest.  I really miss her, but at least while Pop's in the hospital, she'll be safe at grandmas.  All I know is that Karen's gonna have to go to the hospital on Friday for some kinda tests.  I'm going to be praying for Karen to get better soon. 

 6-29-73 Friday

I moved in to a new room that I'll be sharing with Karen.  Dad and mom moved things around and now Kathy and Lisa have mom and dad's old room upstairs, Karen and I have the old living room, off the kitchen downstairs.  Walter always had his own room.  Dad worked real hard this week to make our room real nice.  We have off white paneling and the inside door frames and window frames were painted purple.  We even had a door that went out on to the front porch, 'cause it used to be the living room before dad put the addition on.  We had a walk in closet too!  I think me and Karen made out better than Kathy and Lisa.  I'm happy I have a new room but Karen's been sleeping at grandmas lately so grandma can take care of her and she hasn't even had a chance to see the room yet.  I got to sit with her today for a little while when she got back from all the hospital tests.  She said it hurt real bad.  They did something called a spinal tap.  She doesn't know what's wrong with her, nobody's told her anything.  I told her I didn't know anything either, but if I found out anything I'd tell her.  Karen was real tired and I just sat and held her hand until she fell asleep.  I'm so worried about her, but nobody will tell me anything.

Tonight will be the first night I've ever slept alone in a room, and I'm scared.  I thought when Pop stopped hurting us everything would be great, but it isn't.  I want Karen to be better - we've always been a team - we planted the garden together - now I'm all alone.  I miss her so much. 

  

6-30-73 Saturday

I had that horrible dream again and Karen wasn't here to wake me up.  The dream seemed to go on and on.  When I woke up my pajamas were soaking wet with sweat and I had to change them.  I made sure that mommy gave me a night light, 'cause I can't wake up in pitch black darkness, and I was so glad I did.  I decided to sleep in Karen's bed with her big stuffed monkey, George.  He was just a little bit smaller than Karen, so I pretended it was her and I was finally able to go back to sleep. 

Mom gave me a brand new tennis racket that she had bought from          K Mart.  She gave me a can of 3 tennis balls and after I go see Karen, I'm going to go down to St. Luke's parking lot where I can hit the balls against the wall.  It's good practice and I can do it all by myself.  Unfortunately, we missed the sign up date for tennis lessons this summer.  I think mom's trying to keep me busy 'cause she knows I'm very worried about Karen.  I am so worried and I'm glad that I've got things to do, otherwise I think way too much and it makes my stomach hurt.  My first softball practice is next Saturday, so that'll keep me busy too.  I don't know what team I'm on yet, but I don't care, I just like playing.  I'm pretty good at catching and throwing the softball; I think I can hit pretty good too.  I'm going to visit with Karen now.  Bye.