The Deepening Process

This will be my serious attempt at blogging. Although I am well aware that we've been in the 21st Century for awhile now, accepting change becomes more difficult as we age. I remember when VCR's first came into existence how difficult it was for my mother and how easy it was for me. Time moves on and before you realize it, you're past 50 years, which is where I am now, I am 52. I've had a most wonderful adventurous and eventful life. There were many painful lessons but they taught me so much. I know we all have a story and I want to share mine to support anyone that has had or those still experiencing an abusive childhood. There IS healing; there IS recovery and you are not alone. 
http://www.gofundme.com/PerceptionShared 


My story begins with my birth on September 5th, 1962, but the first and most defining life event to take place in my life was April 2nd 1965, the birth of my baby sister, Karen. I do recognize that as the beginning of my life's Journey. In my Blog I will share my book, "The Journey Within; A Child's Memoir". 

Dedication  

One out of three girls are sexual molested by the time they turn eighteen; One out of four boys. This book is a true account of such an experience. A child’s voice, finally audible after twenty-one years of therapy, speaks out and shares her journey.  
Heartfelt thanks and deep gratitude to: Jane Reskoff, my group counselor at Parent’s United who became my individual therapist. She made me sign a contract promising I would not kill myself. Jane knew that I would never break a promise to her – she truly saved my life. 
Mary Jo Alburtus is the counselor I worked the most intensely with as well as the longest. She taught me how to live my life and go/grow beyond the pain. The depths of my appreciation for her skills, boundaries, wisdom, understanding and most of all, her patience with me, simply can not be expressed in words.  
C. Alexander, my first love. Kim O’Donnell and Tammy Clayton. They both walked the dark road of flashbacks with me – thanks. 
Ray Good, the best friend anyone could ever have! I wouldn’t have accomplished this book or come this far without your help. 
Bert Wentworth, my other best friend, I wouldn’t have made it to Arizona without your help. I miss you and I miss our weekly Uno games!  
DAN (DisabledArtistsNetwork) created by Wanda in honor of her uncle. Art has been a major source of healing from the pain in my childhood. Thank you for all your time and effort! SGI-USA my supportive and loving Buddhist family. Embracing the Mystic Law of cause and effect by chanting Nam myo-ho renge kyo has transformed my life. I now have a ‘functional’ family anywhere that I may chose to go! 
Special thanks to Rosemary Altea and Sylvia Browne – your teachings matched my experiences and validated them. 



Sept. 5, 1972 

To Dear Laurie On her tenth birthday 
All my love, as ever, 
Grandma 


9/3/72 Sunday 

My birthday's on Tuesday but we had the family party today after church; we had Angel Food Cake with whipped cream, my favorite! Everyone in church sang "Happy Birthday" to me, I was so embarrassed when Rev. Jobe made me stand up in front with him, and I wanted to die. But Rev. Jobe sings Happy Birthday to everyone, even Jesus on Christmas Eve, so I really couldn't do anything except stand there and turn beet red. The best part of it was that I got a job today from a lady in church, Mrs. Pennsy, because of it. She thought I looked so cute in my choir robe and white collar; so of course, then I blushed even more. She needs someone to help her keep her house tidy and the dishes washed, plus I could help her neighbor, Mr. Sugan in their gardens. I'll only work on the weekends, but I'll earn $5.00 every week, if I do a good job. No problem there, I'm a good worker. Grandma gave me this journal as a present for my birthday. She knows how much I love to read and that I want to be a writer when I grow up. She said writing daily would be good practice. I didn't tell her that I don't know if I'm gonna write every single day, but I will try. School starts tomorrow and I'm in the fifth grade now. I will have lots of homework, probably. I just have to do well enough to earn the privilege of working in the school office and library again this year. When you get to the 6th grade, all the office workers get to go to a Mets baseball game in New York, and boy I really want to see a game in person. Me and Mom have been watching every game this season. Dad thinks baseball is kinda stupid, but he doesn't care if we watch it. He usually plays his violin in the kitchen anyway. I know that 6th grade is still a year away, but you have to be an office worker for, like 3 years I think, to get to go and I only have 2 years right now. Time marches on! I've got work to do. This summer I'll play softball on a real team, I can't wait. This has been a great birthday. Karen gave me this really cute card that said, "I share everything I have with you, it's yours and mine”. She made it herself and she gave me the biggest hug. She's my best friend so I told her that everything I had was hers too. We are like two peas in a pod. She's starting the 2nd grade tomorrow, which is on the first floor. This year my class is on the 2nd floor, so we won't see each other much, but we'll still walk to and from school together. We get to see Mrs. Nelson, the crossing guard, everyday. Mrs. Nelson is so very nice and always takes care of us kids, and never lets anybody get picked on. I didn't know there were grownups that cared so much about kids’ safety, but she told me it was her job to keep us safe. I've seen it too. Well, Karen just told me to shut off the light and go to bed, so, goodbye for now. I'll try to write again soon.

9/7/72 Thursday 

I had that horrible dream again last night, the one I hate so much because it scares me so bad. I'm in some dark hole and there are bones and maggots and mice and they're crawling all over me. I want to scream but I can't make a sound. In the dream I'm banging on a wooden door, begging to be let out, but I never get out, I just wake up sweating and terrified. Karen said I was crying in my sleep and she had to wake me up. I'm so glad we sleep together 'cause sometimes I get so scared at night. I hear and see things in the dark that aren't really there. Karen always calms me down. She understands my fear somehow and makes me feel safe again, and she's my baby sister! I don't even know what I'm afraid of; I just know I'm afraid of too much! New neighbors moved in next door and they have two little babies, twins, a boy and a girl. Karen loves babies and was over there as soon as they were unpacked. Lisa and Kathy went over too, following right after Karen when she got invited into their fenced in yard; even Walter went 'cause they have a dog. I was the only one too afraid to go over there, and I was the oldest girl, that's sad. All three of my sisters love being girly girls; I just don't fit in. While they play-acted being mommies to the twins, and Walter played with the dog, I stayed in our yard watching ants. I know that I should want to join them, but I like being by myself a lot more. I feel so different from them, but at least Karen understands me. I like to get lost in books and live through the characters in the stories, and she never makes fun of me for doing that. She likes hearing about the stories I read and I tell her all about them. Last night after she woke me up from the nightmare, we decided to try planting a garden for the giant again, this weekend. It's an idea we got from a story about a giant that was very mean to children. One little boy was able to reach his heart of stone by planting a garden in his frozen, and always winter yard, bringing with him a small corner of spring. It was then that you discovered the little boy was Jesus. Anyway, we thought if we could plant just the right garden, maybe we could make our mean, nasty giant, Pop, a little nicer. I got a huge fairy tale book from Grandma on my birthday last year. Together Karen and I read a bunch of stories about kids who won fights against their monsters. Maybe we could somehow make Pop better, I mean even nasty old Scrooge changed! 9/9/72 Saturday What a horrible night it was last night! Friday night is bowling night for mom and dad and it was Karen's turn to go. I missed her as soon as she left and stayed too long looking out the living room window watching them leave. When Pop yelled at me to get him his beer, I realized Kathy and Lisa had already run upstairs and I was left alone with Pop. I knew I had to hurry and I did, but it wasn't fast enough. When I handed it to him, I stepped back and he hit me hard with his cane. It knocked me off balance and I fell hitting my eye on the wooden armrest of the couch. My eye immediately swelled shut and when I started to cry, he smiled and told me to shut up, I was just making a lot of noise for no reason. That's when Walter came downstairs and saw me crying and asked what happened. Pop told him I had stuck a coat hanger in my eye and he had gotten it out and wasn't I an idiot for doing that! Then Pop had the nerve to tell me how lucky I was not to lose an eye. He said that I needed to say thank you to him. I refused to tell him thank you and ran upstairs to bed. His legs are bad and I knew he probably wouldn't try to follow me. Besides Walter had come down and the two of them will look at those dirty books that Pop always has. Karen woke me up when she got home, telling me that mommy bowled an ashtray. Last night I thought that meant something bad, but I found out today that mom got an award for a high game and the trophy was an ashtray, go figure. I also found out that my parents believe I actually stuck a hanger in my eye! They wouldn't even listen to my side of the story because Walter said he saw me do it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, one day last summer Walter got paid $5.00 and a nasty magazine to bring me to Pedro's house. Pedro and Pop were next door neighbors; they drank together during the summer. Walter told me that Pedro was going to hire me to wash his dishes, so I went with him. He told Walter to sit in the living room and then he took me into his bathroom. He smelled so bad, his breath was horrible, he was so drunk. I was terrified and just stood there like a fool. He was wearing dark blue trousers, like the kind a mechanic would wear. He unzipped his pants and pulled them down. I wouldn't look at him, but he didn't care. He turned me around and yanked off my shorts and underpants and made me sit on his lap on the toilet. There was a window right in front of me and I could see some beautiful green trees through it and I tried not to think or feel anything. I pretended I could just fly away somewhere. I pretended this was not happening to me. When he was finished with me, he took me out to the living room and told Walter to take me home. Walter's best friend, Roger, had showed up. I hate Roger so much. On the way home from Pedro's house, Roger came up behind me and pushed me down onto Mr. Brown's front yard. Before I could get up he grabbed my left arm and said "Here, let me help you up." then he pulled as hard as he could on my arm until we all heard it pop and I began to scream. Then Roger told me I better not ever say anything about Pedro and ran away. I had to go to the emergency room to get my dislocated shoulder fixed. I told my parents that it was Roger who did it, but I was too afraid to say anything about Pedro. Roger was always in trouble, and the neighborhood bully, so nothing was really done. After I got home from the ER that day and told Karen what had really happened, she was so mad at Walter, she cried. That day we held hands and promised to never go anywhere with Walter if we were alone, and we've kept our promise. Karen knows that I didn't stick a hanger in my eye, but she knows the score too. She's seven years old now; Pop starts when you turn five. I miss great grandma a lot. Her apartment used to be at the end of the Basement Door Hallway, now all the hallway means is that it's the pathway to the Basement Door. If you ended up in the Basement, bad things will happen to you.